‘5 Lessons in Happiness: Little Man Director’s Cut’ starts off hilariously with the voice of a man coming through the speakers asking “Do you have a small penis syndrome?” Okay, who else is gagged? (Who else raised their hands? No judgments here.)
It’s a video of a man asking whether one has had a date who suddenly had to go when it came to doing the deed because one is inadequately sized down there. Well, look no further because our main lead, Hsuan Tseng (Adam Lin), is exactly and unfortunately that kind of guy.
The man in the video says that there’s no such thing as a small penis, just lazy hands, meaning you can solve your problem with a few massages here and there. Hsuan follows the man’s explicit instructions, with a few tugs, and some strokes, and the door opens to his friend, Sam (Paul Chiang), catching him in a compromising position. The headphone gets taken out and the audio of the video detailing how to get a longer penis blasts throughout the entire room, to both of their shock. Hsuan covers his junk and slams the laptop closed before asking his friend to leave. The door closes and a news clipping of Hsuan tacked on a board is seen.
Moments later, Hsuan gets out of his room, clearly upset. Sam asks him if he’s still trying when it has been a month already. Hsuan complains that the things Sam got him were all useless, even the penis enlargement machine from Germany that was too loose for him to use. Sam chuckles which puts him in a sulkier mood.
Sam tells him that ever since he was younger, he was always called “That Big Cock”— nameless and always objectified. Hsuan is envious of it and complains that compared to him who has “no dick” and “cannot be objectified. Cackling!
Hsuan sulks about not bagging dates which Sam scoffs at because he has clearly seen those boys coming to their dorm. Hsuan says that they always leave the next day or make up some excuses after. Sam comments that if the genitals don’t match, then it’s goodbye forever. Hsuan agrees.
Sam then asks if Hsuan has ever considered “opening up his rear parking space” aka bottoming. Hsuan adamantly refuses but Sam tells him that you ”can’t always park a scooter in a car parking space.” However, Hsuan counters that that’s exactly why he wants to upgrade his “car.” Sam then asks him to reconsider “parking his car so he can enter by walking in” making a crude gesture with his fingers but Hsuan tells him that when they see his size, they’ll be closed for business before any of that can even happen. I am so cackling at this car comparison! Sam asks if he can just get a bigger “car” but Hsuan says if he had the money for it, he wouldn’t even be watching the damn video.
Hsuan asks if he has any more suggestions and begins looking through the toys and gadgets in the house. Sam saunters to where he is and shows him something on his phone: photos of his swimming mishap where his trunks came off and showed his junk. Hsuan dramatically throws himself to the couch and laments that he should just look for someone who’s saving himself till marriage so he can basically scam them into marrying him without seeing his size.
Sam asks him if he has gone back to swimming but Hsuan tells him he’s too scared to go back. Sam tells him to conquer his fear (despite not conquering his of facing his ex-wife). Hsuan repeats his words to him but Sam tells him it’s different since his wife is actually scared of his size. (I am not gonna survive this movie.)
Eventually, Hsuan gets persuaded to go back to the pool albeit too shy and anxious to be naked around others again and he manages to embarrass himself in front of a cute swimmer. The cutie throws him one last glance before leaving, but Hsuan fails to notice it.
Hsuan finally goes back to the water. After swimming for a while, he goes to rest on the poolside when he gets approached by an excited man whom he doesn’t recognize. He introduces himself as Fong, the formerly bespectacled and skinny guy who used to hang around the swim team and cheers Hsuan from the stand on his competitions. Hsuan finally remembers him and comments that he’s gotten more muscular now. Fong confesses that he bulked up for a guy who dumped him for being too skinny. Fong asks about him in return, whether he’s still competing. Hsuan tells him he has just finished an international competition and Fong says he hasn’t heard about it. Hsuan is relieved but something tells me Fong is pretending to not know to save Hsuan the trouble of being embarrassed about his mishap. A soft moment strikes between them.
Fong invites him for a swim which Hsuan happily agrees to. Together, they play in the water, bodies and faces close to each other, clearly developing something. They enjoy themselves so much that they fail to notice the time. Fong asks him to wash up and go to dinner at that noodle place he loves.