Does size truly matter? For most guys, it does. Our lead character finds out about the highly unrealistic expectations of a hyper-masculinized misogynistic society with the aid of his gay parents in ‘Pipe Dream‘.
‘Pipe Dream’ starts with Peter Epstein-Takahashi, a 16-year-old high school student, and his “not-girlfriend” Lucille flirting inside a comfort room. The two talk about mundane things when Lucille subtly pulls Peter’s zipper down and drags him towards one of the stalls. Lucille alludes to being a good “whistler” like their peer, Lauren Bacall, but Peter tells her he’s never heard of such a rumor about Lauren. Lucille calls him pretentious as she yanks down Peter’s pants and tells him how she plans to show him how good she is at “whistling”— by putting your lips together and “blowing.”
Peter seems to be apprehensive and anxious though, as he backs away and shields his junk from her. Peter pulls up his pants and pretends he doesn’t know what Lucille means. Lucille straight up tells him that she means to give him a blowjob which stuns Peter. He takes a while to take the information in and in the end, he blurts out a simple “Oh!”
Thus starts Peter’s woes as Lucille starts messaging her days later about him being a bad boy for making her wait before she can finally suck him. One of his fathers breaks his attention away from the text as he brings a plate of food and sits down at the dining table. Peter’s phone pings again and his two fathers take a guess who has been messaging Peter— Jacky? Lizzy? Peter corrects them that it’s actually Lucille. His fathers ask if Lucille is his special friend but Peter denies that she is and says that she’s just a friend, but his fathers don’t believe him. They think that they just want to get it on with no strings attached. His dads then try to go on a lecture about safe sex, even going so far as injecting safe words and such. They then reminisce about their own ridiculously wild sexcapades in front of their own son! Hilarious!
Peter excuses himself and tells his dads that he will be preparing to go to school. At school, Peter moves to talk to Lucille whom he affectionately calls “Shakespeare.” Lucille opens up with the naughty text she sent Peter but before he can reply, they get interrupted by Ethan, a friend, who tries to hog Lucille’s attention for himself. Lucille seems annoyed though and brushes him off. Ethan leaves but not without pointing out how soft Peter is for not being able to carry his school stuff. Lucille makes fun of Ethan to Peter, claiming his dick is barely bigger than a Tootsie roll which only makes Peter even more antsy. Lucille tries to ask what Peter wants to talk about but Peter tells her it’s nothing. Peter then tells her he’ll see her at his place later as agreed upon and walks away clumsily.
Later at home, Peter googles how to make his penis bigger which leads him to several questionable websites and techniques. Peter takes off his underwear and starts massaging his penis as instructed when suddenly, his father barges in with a tray full of snacks. His father sees what he’s doing and immediately closes the door.
Outside the door, his father asks him if Peter wants to talk to him about something but Peter only shouts at him to go away and makes up an excuse that he was doing a health project. Peter gets up and takes the snacks his dad left in the doorway and notices a box. He picks it up and is surprised that it’s a box of condoms with a note that says “Wrap it up.” God, I have tears in my eyes.
Peter then goes out with a credit card in hand and determinedly buys himself a penis pump. Once inside the privacy of his room, Peter attempts to use the pump. In the middle of pumping, he hears Lucille arrive downstairs who immediately introduces herself to Peter’s father. His dad calls for him but the pump doesn’t want to come off his penis. Peter hilariously tries to wrench it off to no avail. Peter stands up with the pump dragging on the floor as he tries to think of a plan and immediately drags and drapes his duvet around himself.
Lucille enters his room and is immediately surprised that Peter’s not ready. Peter then makes up an excuse that he has a lot that he has to study for and starts to say goodbye to Lucille but she tells him that she can help him. Peter tells her that he works better alone but Lucille insists only to be shut down by Peter once again. Lucille walks out of the room in frustration and Peter follows her.